The All Purpose Naruto Mpreg
by poke-the-kitty
Summary: Crack-fic. This is meant to poke fun at Mpreg, so if you enjoy Mpreg you may not want to read this. Hints of Sasunaru. Mpreg spoof.
1. Chapter 1

I've read so many Mpreg's I felt the need to do a crack-fic. Enjoy.

I don't own Naruto.

XxX XxX

"Sasuke, I feel fat." Naruto whined as he gorged himself on ramen and pickles. "And...and...YOU DON'T LOVE ME!!" He started to bawl, Sasuke rolling his eyes.

"What the hell is wrong with you today dobe. If you feel fat stop eating so much...and don't use the 'L' word, it's so unmanly." Sasuke grumped, ignoring his little blond lover sitting on the couch.

"I wanna go see Sakura." Naruto humphed, placing his bowl on the coffee table before standing and leaping out the window. What kind of ninja would use a door? Honestly, if they didn't use their mad ninja skills they would loose them. It was a scientific fact of sorts. Sasuke sighed in his very manly ,stoic, seme way and took off after his adorable little uke.

On the way to Sakura's Naruto stopped to fawn over every child he saw, over every cute ,fluffy, little animal he saw, and the fudge store. Though that was more to buy ten pounds of choco-choco nutty fudge covered in nuts and chocolate. A diabetics worst nightmare, it sent children into sugar induced rants of insanity from ten paces.

Sasuke had caught up to Naruto at this point and was sneering at Naruto's rapid inhalation of the fudge...in a totally manly way. The Kyuubi container offered his stoic seme a piece of fudge, it was turned away with a sniff of disdain so the blond boy shrugged and finished the remaining seven pounds in his adorable uke way.

XxX XxX

"Look there's Neji." Naruto commented, bouncing over to the Hyuuga who stood, staring into the sky and wondering about fate. He slowly looked down at Naruto who had attatched to his arm like an adorable blond leach.

"Naruto, just the person I was looking for."

"But you were looking into the sky."

"That's not the point. May I use my byukugan on your internal organs for no apparent reason whatsoever that anyone could ever think of?" The blond seemed to think this over for two seconds before his cheeks seemed to split, emitting a glow from abnormally white teeth that rivaled Lee's. Though the boy in green could blind people at twenty paces.

"Sounds fun."

Seconds later Neji gaped and his creepy face veins disappeared, leaving him quite normal looking.

"You have a baby."

"Really? What kind?" The statement didn't seem to phase the blond at all and he kept smiling in a way that caused Sasuke to develop a facial tic. So many emotions, too many for the totally stoic seme to handle.

"I'm not sure. How could this happen?" Neji asked, stunned at what he had discovered in his completely male friend.

"Oh, me and Sasuke do it like twenty times a day." Was Naruto's nonchalant answer and Sasuke smirked, now to make it twenty-one.

"But your male."

"Who cares. A baby, how exciting. Come to think of it, it's probably Kyuubi's doing. But lets not wonder how he made my sperm turn into eggs, or how I developed a womb without any side effects like mind numbing pain, or internal bleeding from my other internal organs being pushed out of the way for pieces I shouldn't posses. Or how I'm going to give birth when I lack things like a birth canal." Well, when he put it that way, Sasuke shrugged. Worrying about things like that was too much of a hassle, it would deflate his perfect seme hair.

"Maybe you should go talk to the Hokage." Neji tried again to reason with the blond.

"No way, she'll just be all 'I'm drunk and blah blah blah, here's a boring mission that might get you killed, cause people didn't tell us everything we needed to know.' And do I need another Zabuza incident in my condition? I don't think so." The last four words were said in a singsong voice that would have gotten anyone else punched in the face by a random passerby, but as it was Naruto, birds chirped in tune with the blond.

With that Naruto turned to smile at Sasuke who grunted at him in a caveman like way. Luckily Naruto was fluent in Uchiha-ese and just giggled.

"Of course we have to paint the spare room in an obnoxious color. That's what people expecting babies do Sasuke, you silly goose bum."

"So you don't care that you're pregnant and a man. That this is such a fluke it shouldn't even be considered highly improbably, let alone possible?" Neji asked again, but Naruto was already skipping away, chasing a random bluebird that had flown by his face. Neji sighed and walked away, not wanting to get involved in any more insanity then he needed to. Sasuke grunted in a manly goodbye to the Hyuuga before following his uke.

XxX XxX

Wow, I laughed so hard writing that. It was amazingly fun and helps me to accept the rather large plot holes that others leave in their Mpreg stories.

Review if you enjoyed that as much as I did.


	2. Chapter 2

This chapter is dedicated to S . Wright, (sorry it won't let me put the words together) and Claudestine Abyss who asked politely for another chapter to finish the story off. So here you are, I hope you enjoy.

And a big thanks to Kage Husha, alyuchia913, and mishmoshi13 for actually reviewing the damn thing. Seriously guys, review if you like the work.

I'm doing this chapter in a 'everyone else is normal and Sasuke and Naruto are nuts' kinda way.

I don't own Naruto. :D

XxX XxX

"Gee Sasuke, I think it might be time to give birth." Enormous blue eyes that took up more room then should have been anatomically impossible gazed up into the near squinted ones of the last Uchiha. The black haired man heaved a stoic sigh and helped the blond to his feet before poofing them into the Hokage's tower.

XxX XxX

"How did you know you were in labor?" Tsunade asked once they had awoken her from her sake induced coma. "Are you in any pain?"

"Nope. Kyuubi told me cause she's such a nice person...er, demon." Naruto smiled so wide Shizune, who was standing behind Tsunade, suddenly feared his jaw would snap from the pressure.

"There's no pain at all? No gut wrenching contractions from the baby trying to push out of your nonexistent birth canal?" Tsunade raised an eyebrow, this was a strange day, about as strange as the day Neji had come to her and told her about Naruto being preggers. The brat hadn't even come to tell her about it until she'd called him in to talk.

"Why would there be pain? Baby's are magical." Sparkles began to drift down around the blond as he looked sappily up at Sasuke who was suddenly overcome with 'feelings' at the thought of tiny little Uchiha babies running around his home, chasing away all the demons his horrible, big meany brother had caused. The last Uchiha straightened his spine with an audible snap and forced the 'feelings' into a dark corner. Seme's had no 'feelings' it wasn't stoic at all. 'Feelings' were for uke's and girls. Sasuke sneered just to prove he was a MAN!! A MAN!! with a penis.

"Get my medical kit Shizune, I think we're gonna have to do a C-section."

XxX XxX

Tsunade had knocked the blond out and sent Sasuke out of the room so he wouldn't think they were killing his uke. The large breasted woman had just touched the scalpel to Naruto's abdomen when there was a loud grumble and four babies magically popped into the air.

Tsunade blinked, then blinked again as Naruto...sorry Kyuubi sat up and stared at her out of purplish eyes. Apparently the control was shared as the boy/fox demon started to speak, their voices a mix.

"You wouldn't have been able to cut fast enough to keep the brat's stomach open for the length of time required to get the kitlings out."

"Oooookay." Tsunade nodded, then cringed away as the blond/demon started to squeal clapping his/her hands together rapidly.

"I'm a grandma!!" Kyuubi squealed moments before she relinquished control, letting Naruto flop back down onto the bed, out cold.

The Hokage turned to look at her assistant and they both silently agreed they would never mention this again unless they were being interrogated or drunk to the point of not remembering their names.

XxX XxX

One baby was pale, one was tanned. The tanned baby looked exactly like Sasuke except his duck butt hair was blond and his squinty 'Seme' eyes were blue. The pale baby looked like Naruto, right down to the fox marks...something that confused Tsunade as marks like that shouldn't have been able to transfer over. The pale boys large 'Uke' eyes were a shimmery black and his crazed 'Naruto' hair was black like Sasukes.

That was unexpected. Obviously they would have looked like their parents, but not carbon copies with the opposite coloring. Naruto had woken up five minutes after Kyuubi had wandered back to her cage to dream about grandkits and Sasuke was allowed back in the room.

XxX XxX

"What should we name them?" Naruto asked, holding the tanned blond Sasuke clone, while Sasuke held the pale brunette Naruto clone.

"Hn, dobe."

"If that one's called Dobe, this one is Teme, teme."

"You're not calling the babies Dead-last and Bastard." Sakura screeched as she came into the room, Naruto flinched and Sasuke felt his Seme instincts kicking in so he growled at the pinkette who growled back and snatched the pale brunette Naruto clone from Sasuke. She stared at it and shrugged before handing it back.

"You guys should totally like combine the names, that would totally like be like so totally awesome." She raved, shooting Sasuke what she assumed were seductive looks even though he was holding his newborn baby.

"Are you okay Sakura? You look like a constipated cow." Naruto smiled, scaring his Sasuke clone with all his shiny teeth. The baby burst into tears and Sakura wandered over to try and calm him down, her reasoning being that she was female and therefore knew more about children then the boys.

The tiny tanned Sasuke clone saw his reflection in her enormous forehead and began to make faces at himself. Sakura smiled, thinking it was her amazing skills with children that had calmed the baby down.

"Combine our names?" Naruto was deep in thought for a few seconds, smoke pumping out his ears as his poor brain was forced to think about more then Sasuke and Ramen.

"That one is Uchimaki, and this one is SasuNaru." He announced, stunning Tsunade into silence with his stupidity.

"Brat, you can't call your kid SasuNaru, that's just cruel to him and to all the fangirls."

"Hmmm." Naruto pouted and turned to shoot huge 'Uke' beams towards Sasuke who was distracted by the tine Naruto clone in his arms. "Sasuke you choose a name now, all that thinking made my head hurt." He normally would have avoided the 'Uke' beam like Sakura avoided Rock Lee's kisses, but the beam hit him head on and he was forced to answer.

"Nasuke." He stoically announced and turned his attention back to the Naruto clone in his arms, it was glaring up at him in a stoic seme way and Sasuke felt a sudden rush of 'feelings' this one being pride and that was an acceptable 'feeling' for a Seme, so he allowed it to stay.

"Nasuke and Uchimaki?" Tsunade deadpanned before facepalming and writing the names down on the required "Newborn Ninja Weapons of Death' forms, which were different from the "Newborn Useless Civilians" or the "Newborn Evil Villain in Training" forms.

"Those are totally like the best names ever. Like totally." Sakura fangirled, starting to foam at the mouth before she was lead away by Shizune.

The babies began to cry, both new 'parents' trying to calm them as they tried to figure out the problem.

"What's wrong with them?" Naruto asked. "Don't they have an off switch?"

"They're hungry." Sasuke announced, glaring at anyone who would have voiced an opinion otherwise , Tsunade facepalmed again, wondering who she had angered in a previous life.

"How do I feed them?"

"Shizune, got two bottles and some baby formula...and sake, lots and lots of sake."

XxX XxX

I actually really happy with how this turned out. Don't forget to review and I might do a chapter of when the little hellions are all growed up....Shit, I shouldn't have said that. D:

WHY DON'T YOU PEOPLE SHUT ME UP BEFORE I MAKE RIDICULOUS PROMISES!?!?!?!


	3. Chapter 3

I've been trying to think up a weird ass cliché for the Clones. This is all I've really come up with, since no one's ever continued a fic after the Naruto has kids. Though I have read a couple where it's all 'Naruto's Hokage and Sasuke's ANBU and the kids are down right brats about everything.' Though that's not really what I want to do, I want to keep this silly.

I'd like to thank Blackwidina for being my beta on this fic. Writing at night sometimes muddles my brain....so. :D

This chapter is dedicated to my friend on DA for drawing awesome artwork. :D

So here goes. I hope you all enjoy this chapter.

I don't own Naruto.

XxX XxX

"You both brought girls home for supper?" Naruto squeaked in happiness while Sasuke grunted, Uchiha speak for 'I'm so proud of you, my two strong sons.' Naruto pouted for a moment before smiling again.

"Introduce us." Naruto had somehow, in the fifteen years since we've last seen him, made Hokage, beat up Pein and all the remaining Akatsuki members, and fused with Kyuubi, thereby inheriting some strange traits.

His eyes were no longer blue, but a weird purple that kept changing like oil and water constantly mixing and unmixing. His canines were far longer then a normal human's, and as such Sasuke's neck was now littered with scars from the blonde Uke trying to muffle his vocals while in the sack. His tan ears were pointed and only slightly fuzzy, a trait that Sasuke found only the slightest endearing...in a totally manly way. He would never admit that his uke was adorable, except when sex was on the line; then he would say anything. Which only proves that men are lying pigs and should be....oops, sorry. Back to the story. ^-^;;

The more interesting sign that our favorite blonde had fused with out favorite fox demon was the slightly incorporeal tale made of purple chakra that was visible at all times. It didn't do much besides show Naruto's emotions and wag, though if the blonde concentrated hard enough he could use it to feel up Sasuke at social functions where he needed both hands in plain view.

But enough about Naruto and all his over-clichéd accomplishments, we're here about the twins and the girls they brought home. Now, now I know what you're all thinking. She's gone and done the horrible over-clichéd Sakura and Ino's kids...but you'd be wrong. Let's start this again, now that we've got the back story down. :D

XxX XxX

"You both brought girls home for supper?" Naruto squeaked in happiness while Sasuke grunted, Uchiha speak for 'I'm so proud of you, my two strong sons.' Naruto pouted for a moment before smiling again. "I think I know these two, but introduce me anyway."

Nasuke, the boy who looked exactly like his blonde father, but with black hair and eyes, smiled shyly and nodded. His slightly uke personality was coming through; if the boy hadn't been straight he would have been snapped up in a second by any of the semes in the village.

"This is Kinata." The girl who stood beside the pale brunette smirked, giving a two fingered salute to the parents of her boyfriend. Red triangles on her cheeks gave away one half of her parenting, though the long black locks gave away her other half...as did her name.

Uchimaki, Uchi for short, looking exactly like his stoic seme father, save for the blonde hair and glinting blue eyes, smirked as he introduced his girlfriend.

"This is Shimari." The blonde nodded respectfully, though a faint light of challenge shone in her dark brown eyes.

"Pleased to meet you, Hokage-sama." Both girls bowed and spoke simultaneously. Then turned and glared at each other for daring to speak at the same time.

"Pleased to meet you back. Let's eat, I'm starving." The girls toed off their shoes as Naruto bounced into the kitchen, Sasuke gliding stoically behind him, eyes riveted on the blonde's posterior.

XxX XxX

"So how did you meet?" Naruto's chipper voice nearly shouted as he served grilled fish and rice. Nasuke pouted a little at the fact that no ramen was present for the meal, and as he met his father's blue eyes he could see the sentiment reflected there and felt better. The fact that Kinata's foot was slowly sliding up his pant leg probably helped with his hurt feelings as well.

"Who?" Uchi and Nasuke asked at the same time.

"Both of you silly."

"Who goes first?" The twins once again spoke simultaneously, earning a glare from their ebony eyed father. It creeped him out when the twins talked at the same time, all weird and creepy...

Nasuke bowed his head while Uchi met Sasuke glare for glare, neither seme willing to back down in the struggle for alpha male. It was a contest as old as time, if either looked away, the food would be stolen as well as the women. Near growls were beginning to erupt from both males. Twin sighs could be heard from both Naruto and Kinata before two identical 'THWAPS' were heard.

"Dobe" Sasuke turned and glared at his uke who was steadfastly ignoring him in favor of dishing out rice. How DARE food take precedence over him? He'd show that rice who was boss when it came to blonde, tanned ukes.

The twins ignored their father glaring at the rice with such hatred that it was nearly sobbing and trying to crawl off the table and back into the rice cooker. They were used to such displays, though the girls they had brought home were entranced with the sight of the last Uchiha beginning to threaten dinner.

"Is he okay?" Kinata leaned over to whisper in Nasuke's ear. The boy nodded, scratching at his fox marks, something that never should have crossed over, yet still had.

"He does this sometimes, then again so does Uchi."

"It must be a seme thing." Kinata said with a nod, Nasuke thought it over, tilting his head to the side, his dark eyes sparkling in a way that made both girls leap towards him in an effort to cuddle the adorable brunette.

"What have I told you about stealing my girlfriends?" Uchi yelled, brandishing his chopsticks towards his twin, as if they were weapons.

"I don't mean tooooo." Nasuke yelped pitifully as he tried to extract himself from the pile of limbs. "Help me brother." Huge dark eyes shimmered and though they were twins, Uchi felt the pull of the Seme whenever an Uke was in danger. His father had explained it to him, also telling him that any feelings he had to his sibling were normal. Though to act on them would be a quick and painful death through possible castration. Naruto wouldn't stand for his babies to 'get-it-on,' a phrase he had borrowed from a western television show. It didn't matter that he was a secret fan of twincest. He could be a hypocrite if he wanted to.

Uchi sighed, pulling his brother to his feet and glaring down at the girls who had just noticed that their adorable uke was gone. Nasuke was tucked under Uchi's arm, pulled snug up against his brother's side, Uchi's arm tucked around his brother's adorably slim waist. Damn, all he had to do was flex his fingers and his palm would be all over his brother's tight as- better not finish that thought.

Sasuke's eyes narrowed and a growl left his throat at the sight in front of him. Uchi had received the talk: he could go after anyone in the village, male or female, but he had to keep his hands off of his brother. The boy had responded that Nasuke was too cute for his own good, and that he was just trying to protect him from the evils of the world. Sasuke could remember having that argument with himself over his Uke's naivety.

Uchi shoved his brother back into his seat, slumping off to his own chair and glaring at Shimari until she sat back down beside him.

"Sorry Uchi, I don't know what came over me. He's just so cute."

"I'M NOT CUTE!!" Came Nasuke's yell, his eyes scrunched up and his hands in fists as he tried to fight the oppressive word. He HATED being called cute, everyone called him that, from his dad to all the girls in the village, to most of the boys in the village.

XxX XxX

Dinner was finished in relative silence, one of the girls making a comment on how good the food was and Naruto being his idiotic bubbly self and making everyone feel good about themselves. Though what Sasuke was REALLY feeling, was the urge to bend Naruto over the table and show Uchi the proper way to treat your uke, even if he was your brother.

After all, it did run in the family.

XxX XxX

Ha, I had to include that last bit in there. I tried to make them straight, but hell, those boys take after their parents so much they started turning halfway through the fic.

I hope you all enjoyed the LAST chapter of this story. No more, seriously, unless I get bitten by some weird ass plot bunny with an affliction for twincest, this is it.


End file.
